Usually I attach a picture to my posts. It's a "minhag" I adopted from other Yiddishe Bloggers. I have no picture because I have no Rebbe. This blog stems from an experience I had this past shabbos washing my hands before prayer at my parents shul. I arrived late to shul which I do NOT like to do and this Lubavitcher strikes up a conversation with me.
Chabad made me interested in Torah Judaism but once I was exposed to the all the other types of Chassidus I realized that although learning and being close to Chabad Chassidus would always be apart of my life, I had no plans to become a Chabad Chassid. Like my Rav I wear a bekeshe, my payos are ever growing, and my wife bought me a Tallis like his. So I stick out at Chabad Shul and when people who haven't seen m come to my parents shul (they have only lived in this specific community for about 10 months) they are quite confused and some people question me.
So this Lubavitcher who i soon realized was a huge Meshichist asked me my name and if I was a Chabadnik. Regardless of peoples ideas it is still a mitzvah to respect your elders and ones more learned than you. So instead of laughing at him I smiled and said no. What I wanted to do was grab my payos and dance around asking "Do I look like a Chabadnik?" How rude of my imagination. I told him my Rav is a follower of HaRav Chaskel Besser of Radomsk. He asked me who my Rebbe was and I told him I don't have one. He asked me why "the Rebbe" wasn't my Rebbe and if I sent letters to the Rebbe. I told him Ive been to the Ohel and Ive left letters there. He said "No, No have you sent letters to the Rebbe! Have you used Igros Kodesh to speak to the Rebbe?" I said no, and being already late for davening I just kind of smiled, and agreed with him till I saw a window out.
That moment it dawned on me what and who a Rebbe is. A Rebbe is someone you latch onto. You do everything he does, because he is a Tzaddik and the only way that you can have even a drop of holiness in you, is to emulate the flood waters of holiness coming from a Tzaddik. How he prayers, how he speaks, WHAT he speaks, how he carries himself, who he associates with. All of this is the reason why hundreds of thousands of simple Jews flocked to the cities of Ger, Radomsk, Belz, and Lubavitch. They became _ _ _ _ _ _ Chassidim because of that Rebbe, because that Rebbe inspired them. Well I cant just read seforim and watch videos of a Rebbe. I need to see him. I'm to young in years and in yiddishkite to just sit down next to these Chassidim motzi shabbos and watch videos of Fahbrangens. They knew him and I never will.
I'm not going to find a Rebbe in Los Angeles, but this motzi shabbos the Pittsburgher Rebbe is coming to town. Hopefully he can give me some advice on what to do.
I learn a lot of Chassidus and what calls to me the loudest is the Chassidus of Ger. I'm not sure if they still emulate the lifestyle expressed in the writtings of the 2nd Rebbe the Sfas Emes but I truly feel close to Ger even though Ive never met any Ger Chassidim. If we can make it to Israel this summer G-d willing I would like to daven at their shul or something. I'm not sure how accepting they are of Baal Teshuvas. Especially ones that have tattoos from a past life.
I'm rather confused right now but I should problem be learning some Torah instead of worrying so much about this.