Fifty Seven Sixty Eight

(courtesy of bangitout.com)

After reading A Simple Jew's blog on Preparation of Elul, it got me thinking about my own preparations and my own year in general. This was a big year for me on so many levels and I thank G-d for all the blessings bestowed upon me even the ones I didn't see as blessings till months later.

My Gregorian Birthday is Labor Day, and except for a year where there is a second Adar, it falls right before Rosh Hashanah. This past year during a social gathering to celebrate the fact that even against my will I continue to grow, I was given a blessing by an engaged couple. Honestly I didn’t take it too seriously. The year before was a rocky one, struggling with my yiddishkite and adapting it to an ever changing social surrounding. The Kallah blessed me that I should find my zivug asap. That next Shabbos I met my future wife and now we have been married for almost six months Baruch Hashem!

To write a blog on my whole year of experiences would take hours and it would be much to long for anyone to enjoy reading, so I will just highlight some aspects but really focus on this years Elul which has been very special for me.

Going to Eretz Yisroel over the summer was a life changing experience that has benefited my ten-fold. Since I have returned to Chutzla Eretz everything has been different. My job has been Blessed, my art has been blessed, my davening and learning has blessed, and so is my relationship with my wife, family, and friends. Hashem has clicked on this dormant switch in my brain to help me think things out a little bit more.

There is less than a week until Rosh Hashanah, and I’m not sure if I am ready or not and my Yetzer Hara is doing its job perfectly. During the month of Elul, I began to wake up to get to shul 30-45 minutes before the minyan to really prepare myself for davening. Instead of rushing through morning blessings and Korbanos I really focused on them and read the 3 chapters of Tehillim each day during Elul. I have been doing Hisbodedus prior to davening as well, and if I have extra time I review the only Gemara I know fluently in Aramaic. Then we rip through davening at lightning speed that you must pray to G-d not to sneeze during Ashrei because you just might miss davening Shema with the minyan. Someone said today that "the reason he davens so fast is because he sacrifices his kavana to be at peace with the minyan." I guess it’s sad that the minyan really needs to daven Shachris in 30minutes flat, but better to daven with a minyan then without one. Instead of listening to the worthless radio on my way to work I also do Hisbodedus and feel more comfortable speaking with Hashem, even though the guy next to me thinks I’m either crazy speak to myself or that I’m on a Bluetooth headset.

The Shofar has been really special for me during Elul as well. I wrap myself in my tallis and close my eyes and if I concentrate in a specific manner, I can feel the blasts of the Shofar pierce my heart & soul and it awakens in me the knowledge of where I need to focus my teshuva.

This is all fine and dandy but does it make Hashem happy? I pray everyday that I perform my duties as a Jew for the Sake of Hashem's happiness, and not for the acceptance of man or for a nice spot in the Shuirim of Olam Habah, but if those also come with making Hashem Happy, then please make me humble. My greatest fear is that I would perform a Mitzvah so that someone will say "Wow this Yid is so religious look at how great he is." My mind is a very confusing thing, and the Yetzer Hara is so great at increasing the confusing.

Now, I don’t think I do a lot, and as I write this I am fearful that whoever reads this will thing that I’m bragging about what I do. Please don’t think this, but to my credit if I deserve any, I at least do something.

One of the blogs I read quoted a Chassidic Rebbe in saying that If we only started our Teshuva in Elul, Rosh Hashanah would be that much more beneficial. It’s like waiting the last minute to do anything, If you don’t give it your all it could result in a complete failure. So by doing a little bit each day it will build up to something great. Of course I have no clue if my tefillah or teshuva is being accepted in Elul, on Rosh Hashanah, or ever. Of course I read words of tzaddikim, and words of Torah that say Hashem forgives anyone who returns to him to make teshuva, but I still have this voice in the back of my head telling me that all the sins I committed before I became of Baal Teshuva (I’m not a master of anything) are not yet rectified. Therefore I’ve been giving more Tzedakah than usual. At least I know (or hope) that the joy I feel is for the mitzvah and not the reward for the mitzvah.

Selichos has also been intense and even more so because I’m reading it in English. I can read the Hebrew but I can’t understand it so that seems worthless to me. The words make such an impact, I wish I could get the true essence with the Hebrew. Still it makes my soul burn reading the words.

The quote of Reb Simcha Bunim still resonates inside me and I continue to ask Hashem to let me return home instead of begging for a raise, or to find an apartment that’s nicer, or other Gashmius things. I hope he blesses me with those based on the rest of the year when I ask for those things, but not for Slichos. Slichos, I want to return home. I want to be close to Hashem and I want to know that by doing what I am supposed to I make him proud.

There is so much to work on but I do feel I am putting some sort of effort forth and better to do something than nothing. For this I pray that Hashem judges my whole family and my wife's family in favor and blesses us the coming year and that our blessings spill over to everyone around us so that we can all have the revelation of what needs to be done to usher in Moshiach NOW! So that we can once again connect to Hashem on a direct level.